Forgetting What Is Behind - PART 1

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

A few months ago, I went through one of those life reassessment and readjustment phases we all face from time to time. During some particularly disorienting moments, my life felt like I was drinking a cup of water. You know something is happening, but there’s no taste to it. It just is. And that was how I felt, like I just was, with no taste to my life. I did not feel like I was going backward, yet I was not moving forward. I did not feel lazy, but neither did I feel motivated. I no longer felt satisfied doing my job, but I had no idea what job would make a difference in my life. I missed romance, but the thought of having to get to know someone new drained me. I felt like I still loved the Lord and wanted to please Him, but at the time, I had no idea what He wanted me to do with my life. I prayed, and I believed my prayers were being heard, but there was no manifestation of answers in any form.

There was a time when I knew who I was and what I wanted to do. I spent eight years preparing for it: Bible college, seminary, and graduate school. Then, I was able to live it for 13 years after that. And one day, it was all over. I stepped down from the pastorate because my marriage was disintegrating, and I did not know how to fix it. When the dust settled, I was lost in an emotional wilderness. I survived by God’s grace, but that survival came with a price. I came out on the other side not knowing who I was. I was no longer the man who studied for all those years. I was not the man who became a missionary and taught at a Bible college. I was no longer the man who became a pastor. I was not even the man who got married and divorced. And I was no longer the man who moved to North Carolina. I had no idea who I was anymore.

One thing that took a significant blow during my wilderness wanderings was my confidence. I was never the type who was comfortable with self-promotion, but I no longer had confidence in my spiritual giftedness or abilities. And that was a problem. Life gives minimal options to those who do not believe God can use them or who think that they are even capable. I felt weakened by my experiences. It was as if I lost something valuable about myself in the struggle. And even though there was no more pain left, I continued to live like someone still trying to survive.

Being able to acknowledge and confess my identity and confidence crises was the first step in my road to rediscovery. I have learned that pride has a way of undermining our greater selves. It deceives us into equating empowerment with invincibility and failure with defeat. Yet, a greatness that is respected and admired is often born from circumstances of tragedy and suffering. Look at Isaiah’s prophecy concerning Israel’s restoration to God’s favor. It is framed with the certainty of divine destiny: Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” Whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left (Isaiah 30:21). However, the verse right before it begins with an intimidating prelude: “And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction...”

END OF PART ONE.